"You used to be alright...what happened?"
01.27.08 (9:53 pm) [edit]Today I am tired. I think I am finally coming to terms with all the emotional issues that are surrounding me. I didn't even cry today and I thought for sure I would once I stepped into the church sanctuary.
But I didn't...
I looked up my brothers case records online to see what he is getting charged with. Two felonies and a misdemeanor. I guess I should be more upset than I am at this particular moment, but why?
There is no feeling of security knowing he is in jail and not out on the street somewhere living out of his truck. There just isn't. Being in jail isn't the safest place for him. I'm afraid that one day he will think it is all too much and decide to throw his life away.
I pray that doesn't happen.
I'm going to do my best to make it to his sentencing hearing. I'm sure he doesn't want me there but that's ok, I'm going to try and go anyway.
It's not that we are at odds, its just that he feels he lets me down. And he does, I just don't tell him that. With my words I would just be feeding his addiction.
Maybe tomorrow I can navigate through my feelings a little better. But for right now at this moment, my body is going into shut down mode.
I need rest.
"Fifteen steps, then a shear drop..." - Radiohead